Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Let's Be Honest.

I've talked about how I've been struggling, but looking on the bright side of things. And I'm still trying. However, I can't help but think about the past. A past that has been plaguing me for years. Nights seem to be the hardest for me since I'm left with my thoughts and little else to do but watch a couple of television shows before battling with insomnia. It's in those few hours that I feel the weakest, that I shed the most tears, and when I start to lose hope in finding someone who's right for me. I guess it doesn't help that his birthday is today and I've been torturing my heart with mix cds and memories. For me, he's the one that got away, or rather the one I pushed away.

I suppose it serves me right. What goes around comes around. I hurt him, someone else hurt me. But what's hard is trying to figure out how to move on. No matter who I've dated, I always circle right back around to him. Or at least the idea of him. It's been so long, I mean, he could be a totally different person now, but I know in my heart he is still the same. He's with someone else and he has been for a while now. It still doesn't stop me from thinking about him or from wishing I could run into him and see him again, if only to apologize one more time.

In May it will have been five years since he called me on my birthday. I didn't return his call. I don't know what he would've said other than, "Happy birthday," but it still hangs over me like a dark cloud of regret. I wish I would have answered. I wish I would have called back. Overall I wish things had gone differently. I wish I wouldn't have expected so much of him back then. I guess I thought we were supposed to have it all figured out. Now, here I am so many years later and I feel like parts of my life have simply fallen apart and I'm not sure how to put the pieces back together.

Sometimes I feel like I'll never find anyone who knows me like he did, who accepted me like he did, or who loved me like he did. He was silly with me and never made me feel self-conscious about myself. He really just loved me for me and he truly was my best friend. I think if I hadn't been so far away at school, things probably would have gone a lot differently. We wouldn't have been fighting so much and it's likely we'd still be together.

There are so many memories I relive in my mind that are crystal clear. One of them being when he took me on a little hike up to this property nearby where he lived. We sat and looked out at the view and he talked about how he wanted to buy it for us and build a house for us there. And at that moment it was like I saw our whole lives ahead of us and I had everything I ever wanted - him, a couple of kids running around in the yard with our dogs, and a home. It's something I've held onto for so long, even if it's been pushed from the front of my mind to the back over and over again. A few years ago when I was sitting around with a couple of my girlfriends talking, I remember saying how I still think of him frequently and wonder if I'll ever have another opportunity to be with him again. It's doubtful, I know. And we weren't perfect by any means, but there was an unexplainable connection with him that I've tried so hard to find with someone else and never have. I guess it's just hard to let go of a mindset you've had for so long. It's hard to let go of your first love. And it's hard to let go of old dreams and work towards finding new ones. No one can say that I haven't tried though.

Maybe I never got the closure I needed. Maybe if I saw him and said the things that have been weighing on my heart, I'd actually be able to move on. Or maybe it would make it worse. I don't know. Over the years I have found myself wanting to call him or write him a letter or something, but I never do. Even though I've pretty much always gone for any guy I wanted, I've held back on any attempt at winning him back. Most likely because I feel like I'm not deserving and I have some need to perpetually punish myself. I'd also feel like I'd be putting him in a situation with his current relationship and I don't want to be the source of any strife. I don't want to be that girl. I want him to be happy. And I truly hope he is. At least one of us ought to be.



  1. Seriously? You posted this....but you don't want to be THAT girl?

  2. @anonymous... this is her blog. her space to write what she wants. there should be no judgement.

  3. I see it as simply sharing a life moment. Everyone thinks back about an old love eventually. It's a natural thing to do especially when you shared a special bond. Keep your sweet memories KK they are just that. Memories. And they are all yours.